A Marriage Visionboard: combating the legacy of divorce

Like every married couple, and especially those of us who originate from broken homes; Shaun and I entered this union with (and still have) every intention that a broken home will not be the case for our children! Yet, simultaneously another force is at work…

It’s wise to be aware of the fact that one who has experienced a broken home will be pre-disposed in many ways to fulfilling the same outcome. Studies and statistics are clear that children of divorce are significantly more likely to face adverse emotional and mental health effects, even physical health issues…it makes sense that these children go on to have greater challenges when holding their significant relationships together. 

In saying that - even couples whose parents stayed together are not immune; the example set them was not always ideal, and dysfunction exists in every homes on some level.  Besides that, with the general pressures of life; spinning plates whilst attempting to maintain a strong marriage; no one is infallible.  But it doesn’t have to be that way!  We don’t have to be passive passengers on this journey! 

Here are my thoughts, and how they relate to the Visionboard I made for our 20th wedding anniversary (which was 30/1/19) Many of these aspects have brought us this far, but we have a loooong way to go, and I don’t just want to ‘endure’ or ‘survive’ marriage at any time, I want all the good stuff and I believe I can have it!

Ways my parents divorce seeks to ‘set me up’ in many ways to probably fail in marriage:

Like all children, I saw my parents as my security and survival, the younger we are, the more primal this sense is.  So when Mum and Dad’s relationship is in trouble, children see this as “my very survival is under threat!”.  This is obviously not fertile soil in which to develop confidence, let alone thrive; which I can vouch for!

 “children are good observers and poor interpreters” ~ Dr. Phil (love him!)

When my parents separated (and due to a whole raft of events that had taken place leading up to that point), I experienced that as a deep rejection.  Even though we were taken away from our mother who I was fully aware was no longer safe; my ‘poor interpretation skills’ received that event as ‘my mother is not here —> therefore she has abandoned me —> therefore I am rejected —> therefore I must be rather unlovable’, and so on. 

If you have read my blog post ‘Mum and me, Part II’, I talk there about how that rejection affected my views and behaviour in multiple ways, including causing me to ‘protect’ myself from experiencing that pain of separation again, by withdrawing from being close and vulnerable, even being hostile.  It’s clear from the outside that this strategy does not achieve anything except further isolation.

And this type of self-protection-wall-building-mindset often held by a child of divorce is obviously going to be a key enemy of the marriage-relationship. 

Shaun did not experience the specific dysfunction that I did.  However there are parallels. When a couple break up, it hasn’t happened overnight. Over years things have come between them and ultimately there has been a distance formed. The children have been most closely present as the one-ness of their parents relationship disintegrated.  We, the children, were part of that environment. They were modelling to us in their body language and behaviour what married life looks like - so this the example children of divorce have had.

But as mentioned earlier: it doesn’t have to be this way for those children in their adulthood - I believe in declaring oneness over our lives AND actively pursuing it is daily choice I have.  A CHOICE!  That’s EMPOWERING! 

The value of a Vision board!

Have you heard of the law of attraction? Put simply it is the belief that what we dominantly think about, we will ultimately bring about. eg. thinking about chocolate, (often triggered by a visual advertisement!) the more we dwell on it, the more the desire increases – next thing you know you are dashing to the supermarket at 8.30pm (or am I the only one? Haha)

There are obviously more serious temptations where we dwell on the wrong thing and, next thing we know, our feet are taking us there. Thousands of years ago it was written in Proverbs: “As a man thinks in his heart, so does he become”   

I was in my early 30’s when I finally understood that I had a CHOICE as to what I think about – a great phrase through which I clicked was ‘feed the good, starve the bad’ – one will grow and one will die.  If we ‘feed the bad’, by dwelling on negative thoughts, complaining about our situation, we’ll just attract more to complain about and continue to see life through those negative lenses.  THIS DOES NOT COME NATURALLY TO ME!!

Furthermore, we can intentionally direct what we will attract into our lives, by dwelling on and meditating on certain things.  A visionboard - with correct and good - thought-out images and text; representing the right things, I believe, can help reinforce and keep at the forefront of our minds those things we truly know we desire, that are right for us.  And in doing so, fill that space and naturally keep our minds off those things that will ultimately damage our relationships and ourselves.

So my marriage visionboard works for me in terms of… Being proactive about what I want in life by replacing wrong patterns and dominant thoughts, with right ones.  And backing it up with images that represent these concepts helps to reinforce it and actually create that environment that puts me on the course of where I want to go.  Make sense?!

Also featured on my visionboard are some attributes, values and behaviours that I’m going to need more of in order to support and foster one-ness: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-control. (from the book of Galatians)

This is  to confront and challenge wrong patterns we were both influenced by as we observed, and were part of our own families of origin as they broke down.  We brought those dysfunctional and immature tools and behaviours into our marriage. (and a lot of good stuff I must add!) …I remember being completely surprised in my early 20’s to learn that name-calling apparently wasn’t right! I thought ‘well how else am I supposed to let him know that he is frustrating the heck out of me!?’ I mean, calling him a ‘d**head’ (and worse) seemed a perfectly valid way of expressing frustration!?  It took a long time to move away from that!

Other wrong expressions of frustration from each of us included withholding affection, sulking and/or manipulating in other ways. It is human to want to control so I don’t beat Shaun or myself up over this, I just needed better ways to actually get what I truly want - which is a healthy, mutually-beneficial quality relationship.

You might have noticed I have some “bedroom goals” on my visionboard… (**yes, awks BUT**)… It’s my belief that the sexual relationship is a very accurate barometer of —> marriage-health, and that one affects the other.  Without that intimacy, what are we?  I don’t think we personally would be very nice to each other, haha!  This vital part of the marriage relationship evolves and there’s always room for improvement. (enough of that topic, and hi dad, eeek)

The central theme of my visionboard is “One”, “Oneness”

There are countless things that can come between a husband and wife, work, sport, hobbies.  And of course it can be a person – even a friend or family member.  Do you find that another person in your spouse’s family comes between you?  (do we all immediately think of a controlling mother-in-law? Haha – my mother-in-law is NOT controlling, in case she sees this! xx)  For me it was my close friendship with and reliance on my sister that had to be put in it’s place, for her marriage’s sake and mine! 

Which leads me to another core foundation that literally underpins my board:

“Therefore for this reason a man shall leave his mother and father and shall be united to his wife”. (from Genesis) This picture, of ‘leaving’, your closest relationships up to that point (your own nuclear family; mother, father, siblings) - shows the decisive and conclusive line that is drawn in the sand. At marriage the husband and wife have now declared and defined one another as their primary partner, their newly forged ‘nuclear family’. If we are to even ‘leave’ our mother and father - then all other friendships and relationships will also come second to our spouse. Of course we still care for our families/friends and maintain relationships with them, but there is a right order that keeps harmony. 

It may sound drastic but putting anything or anyone else above the marriage relationship erodes oneness and can ultimately destroy it. 

So all in all: AWARENESS and ACTION can create a wonderful marriage – I’m working on it!!

By the way; my husband doesn’t meditate on this board and themes - only I do…(while I’m on the treadmill, not in a bizarre staring-at-the-images-in-a-spooky-way) I believe one person in the relationship can be the catalyst for positive adjustments – each of us wields so much power to influence the atmosphere of our home, let’s stand up and use that to our advantage!

Bless you and yours!