Don't let OFFENCE rob your family relationships!

My 22 year old daughter asked me the other day: “Was it this exciting when I had my growth spurt?” – she was referring to the fuss we make over her 13 year old brother shooting up of late.  She delights in her brothers incredibly, so I sensed that perhaps the very subtle hint of a question that was behind this was in fact: “Was I as treasured as this?”… YES you were.  I reminded her how we took photos when she outgrew her aunties and grandmother… YES it WAS exciting. 

A minor thing, a small question/musing of one’s value, and I’m so glad she mentioned it even if it was a throwaway remark. - as seemingly insignificant questions like this can potentially add to a growing list of grudges.

Another example at the extreme end – I heard of a family recently where one adult child out of three has inherited the parents family home – this child wonders why the other children are hurt – as if “all they care about is money”.  I think, no - it’s nothing to do with money and is ALL to do with VALUE.  Money is just a very tangible resource and is literally a measureable allocation that can often represent one’s ‘ranking’ when divided out between children.  It can send a strong message to adult children.  

Offences, big and small, happen in families – they have the power to destroy and divide.  Why are they so powerful?  Because these wounds can touch a place in the deepest part of us, the closest space where we expect to feel safe.  It is where there is the most love and therefore the most risk.  These offences are a DANGEROUS zone and if we aren’t vigilant can turn a moment of regret into a season of regret  and potentially into a lifetime of regret.   

And not long ago I almost allowed my own wounds and perception to injure (with the potential to destroy) some close relationships of mine…

<<Backtrack to 1991<< Dad got re-married just after I turned thirteen.  (He and mum had separated five years earlier and they had been divorced for three years).  We lived full time with Dad from the breakup and he, my sister Emma and I were not doing a great job of keeping house or having a varied diet for that matter! 

Dad met my wonderful step mum when I was twelve years old. We only met her once and I found her friendly and smiley.  Two weeks later they announced their engagement.  Wow, ok!

~Though it was a surprise, there was an element of relief that ‘natural order’ would be restored and a nuclear family structure would be established. As we’d successfully scared off previous girfriends, it was cool to see Dad rise up with this backbone “I’m marrying this lady, so there”... I respected that!

(On a side note and rather selfishly - it helped that Dad wasn’t marrying a European/Pakeha – simply because he was white and we weren’t, and we would stick out as ‘outsiders’ which is already the keen sense of step children.  Though we were Dad’s children, the marriage relationship we were aware would now take precedence, so it worked out well that Dad liked himself a bit of ‘brown sugar’, haha!)

Being at that time considered ‘old’ (43yrs!?) he and his younger bride went on to have a baby the following year, and then another the following year!  Two more girls!  It wouldn’t be long before any likenesses would be noticed.  Our Pacific heritage and our step mum’s Asian (Philippino) looks are ancestrally aligned – both our sisters look more like Emma but likenesses have also been mentioned with me too.  This was special and important for Emma and I to continue with some sense of belonging.

First marriage: two daughters.  Second marriage: two daughters.  It is only too easy to contrast absolutely everything.  I even have a ‘second of two girls’ sister whose life I can only too easily compare with mine, woohoo… haha

The tough questions I began to harbour in my heart years ago towards my dad, (he and I have processed this)

-How have you held this marriage relationship together, yet you couldn’t stay with our mother? 

-Why does it seem your second two daughters are protected but WE didn’t feel protected? 

-Why does it seem as though your provision for them is limitless whereas ours felt ‘cut short’?

These were valid questions I guess I needed acknowledging – and as a mum now to four children – I am open to these questions being asked of me.  Though my children all share the same parents and none of them has that experience of a divorce, we are imperfect and we have made our fair share of mistakes. It is difficult as parents not to get defensive. But we have to accept the perception others hold. These questions cross our minds in half/blended families as well as full-blood families. 

For me, though, when nursed, when re-visited even after talking it through - these questions also began to murk my relationship with my younger sisters at times. I didn’t realise I had even begun at times to view the world from a ‘victim’ point of view, and a victim feels ‘victimised’ by everyone else’s actions – even though logically I knew my sisters would never EVER hurt me intentionally! 

Anger is often an expression of pain. And often an expression of fear. I heard once that that fear can be either “I am not in control”, or “My worth feels diminished” The pain for me was the belief behind it all that deep-down I was feared were true:

-My parents’ union is now null and void, maybe my whole life and existence are also null and void too.  I am less, I am not as special, I am not as valuable.  Maybe I never was. Maybe I’m not valuable at all??  Then there’s an ugly, prideful side that rises up in defence – “we were first” etc. These are all the insecurities and issues that children of divorce and a blended family can wrestle with. It can all become a nasty, bitter old soup. 

When you look at life through these wrong lenses – everything starts to look ‘unfair’, everything I experience and witness confirms what I believe, that I am, in fact, less valuable.   Before you know it it can poison your entire outlook and all your relationships. 

After an ugly outburst I had – which left me feeling so ashamed and rotten, I had to struggle my way to the surface and ask myself this:  That outburst didn’t help me at all – what is my problem and WHAT DO I REALLY WANT AND NEED!?

Sometimes I think we can get bogged down with material and physical things – I need this or that to feel like it’s fair, then I’ll be happy.  What is all boiled down to for me was this. - I need to be healed.  I need to be healthy and whole.  I need a deep revelation of my own love-able-ness and WORTH.  Then I also need to be connected and feel connected.  I need to belong.  Though it’s vulnerable and risky to admit: I want and need to be in relationship. 

How can I get that?...

I came to this powerful realisation:

My healing will NOT happen by HURTING other people.  My healing will not take place by BLAMING. 

By lashing out at my Dad or my sisters – what will it do?  It does the opposite of what I need, it leaves me ashamed, worsening the wound.  It makes me unapproachable which only makes me more isolated.  Eventually, I will fulfil my fear that I am rejected or alone - not because anyone wants to reject me but because they can’t seem to help, they feel confused and now they don’t know how to relate to me at all.

The epiphany:

I was driving to Indoor Netball one night during a difficult time of battling scenarios out in my own mind.  I drive past my church on the way and it is usually open, lights on, people about.  But this night it was dark and deserted.  I immediately saw a picture of how I could steer my own life – potentially to a lonely and dark place, instead of a place that should be buzzing with relationship, activity and progress.  I had an important realisation :

I had a CHOICE AND AN ACTIVE ROLE AND RESPONSIBILITY to play in determining the life I would have. 

More questions I asked myself: Do I want my younger sisters to continue to come in and out of my home freely and vice versa.  Do I want to continue celebrating life with them?  Do I want all our children to know us as involved aunties?  Do I want them to have great friendships with their cousins?  Do I want to grow old as good friends?  YES, YES, YES, YES, YES!

What to do?  - I had to say sorry first.

For the times I had spewed out hurtful things from my own hurting space.  Whether justified in my own mind or not I had to take responsibility and ask forgiveness.   Most people are gracious when put in this position – including my beautiful family.

Be Proactive:

When I am tempted to think ‘that’s not fair’ – as cliched as it may sound - I have to sometimes literally say out loud “Not today, Satan” -  take those thoughts captive and stop them from gaining any ground and wasting ANY of my energy.

Starve the bad by not giving it an inch.

Do I want to nurse small offences (unintentional too!) until they are all I can see and my vision is completely clouded from recognising God’s goodness in my life?  (not today, Satan)

Feed the good with gratitude

List the good things, on paper, and in my head – all day long, whenever I need to.  Think about these things instead of the negative things. I think if we want to, we can all have a much longer list of good than bad.

I’ve had enough stolen from me – no more!  And actually, all this has become a greater blessing to me than if my parents had stayed together, truly!!

If you ever have opportunity to be offended in your family life – take the high road, apologise where necessary, grow…and enjoy your life. These reflections helped me:

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?.. (Dr. Phil)

Do you want to be bitter or do you want to be better? (Joyce Meyer)

I don’t believe it’s ever too late to make amends with family – forget any time you’ve lost, look at the years you have LEFT - it’s worth it.

From my heart to yours! xx