The best marriage advice I ever got…

I’ll just come out and say it:

“don’t follow your heart.. lead your heart”

Maybe marriage is easy for some couples, especially those not-yet-tested with raising children, or those who didn’t have dysfunction in their childhood…? But for myself and many others I know; marriage is not a walk in the park; there will be times when you quite genuinely think of your spouse “I canNOT stand you”. There will very likely be times where you will be distracted by others.

We’ve had a few winter seasons in our 22 year marriage, during pre-school children times and then mid-life-times. Looking back I know as a 20-year old I was a little naive and expected fairy-tale perfection. Expectations I think are critical to your general view on the success of your marriage. On top of that my husband and I had been together for three years and had a 20 month old daughter - so circumstances weren’t ideal for a relaxing entry into the world of “you and me, darling, forever”. I had fallen for the Hollywood myth - ‘when i find the ONE, it will be perfect’, ‘when we are married, he will be someone who can read my mind and meet my every need, because we’ll be soulmates etc’ I was guilty of this entering marriage, and hence felt quite disappointed in the first few years.

Around the four year mark in a conversation with my Indian neighbour, I learnt how her marriage had been arranged. I had so many questions (I didn’t ask them all, haha) but I did discover that they DID fall in love after the wedding, and were still in love. My husband and I, on the other hand, fell madly in love before we married. By the time I was chatting to my neighbour; Shaun and I had had seven years together and had two children. Of course we loved eachother, though those constant racy romantic sensations had somewhat evaporated. It hit to me whilst talking with this neighbour, “the same thing that’s going to hold them together is the same thing that’s going to hold us together, irrespective of whether our marriages were arranged or not!” (I became a total believer in arranged marriage after that by the way)

Interestingly, she also mentioned that arranged marriages had a higher success rate in India than what they call ‘love marriages’… intriguing. It was something I wondered about a lot. What mindset were arranged-marriagees entering with that the others did not hold?

Some time later I heard on the radio about “Leading your Heart” and not following it, it resounded in the same way as when I heard about the success of arranged marriages. Part of me thought ‘darn, this sounds like hard work’, and part of me could sniff an empowering way of living. My marriage is far from perfect, and this is something I still have to regularly put in place, but it’s far more my default than it used to be!

I understand if this is foreign to you as it was me. It’s counter-cultural and counter-instinct (and counter-Hollywood/Disney) Whilst yes, there is a place to brainstorm your hearts deepest desires; I’m not talking about that - I’m talking about the CHOICE to love. To choose to love when I don’t FEEL like it.

How do I “choose to love”? What does that even look like? We English-speakers have so many contexts where we use the word ‘love’, I love chocolate, I love my friends, I love my car, my cat, my husband/wife/parents. Then, sometimes from the relationships modeled to us as children (or another Hollywood by-product) - we can see dysfunctional relationships, even abusive, where one or the other says “but I love him/I love her”. Is that love?

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

If the above quote describes love, then love is what love does. If someone claims to love you, but doesn’t display these attributes, that’s not love. The type of love that keeps husbands and wives together is selfless and doesn’t come naturally to us humans. I remember another quote to the effect of “true love is not doing what comes easily and naturally, it is action, and it costs you, even if you’re highly motivated to give it”

Once upon a time in our early days it was so EASY to act in a loving way, motivation was high. Those actions, truly loving; affirmed and built up the relationship. So logically: doing those things you did when you were dating, even if the motivation is not strong will have the same result and re-new the relationship. What came easily to you then, you’ll now need a bit more discipline to do. But just like when you smile in obligation to a stranger, when they smile back, your smile then becomes genuine.

Sooo life-changing for me was learning this:

Act your way to the feeling - feelings will catch up

eg. You may not feel like greeting your husband or wife in an enthusiastic and affectionate way, but try doing it anyway, make it a habit. Your feelings will catch up. Lead your heart.

Feed the right, & Starve the wrong

Fact: your eyes and heart may most likely be tempted to be lead astray. Also fact: you don’t have to be dragged about by those ‘feelings’ ~ LEAD. THAT. HEART.

Feed the things you know you want more/less of. ie. FEED your love for your spouse by thinking of him/her, and conversely, STARVE the wrong things from developing by redirecting your thoughts as soon as they enter your mind. You WILL be tested in this regard during marriage, THIS WORKS.

Place your husband / wife in any romantic thought you have; with any song you hear that stirs your emotions. 

Back to the arranged marriage thing and my perspective on the mindset we take into marriage - Whereas those arranged marriages, I am guessing, head into marriage with the beliefs that “I will fall in love with this person”, as a choice, with the sobriety of not having those hectic feelings of a new relationship. Or maybe they get some of them thrown in after the fact? (I’ll ask her that next time!)

Friend, our hearts are restless and all sorts of things are vying for our affections. Let’s choose wisely where to lead that heart because unbridled, any heart is unruly. I’m a work-in-progress with you! xx

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? ~ Jeremiah 17:9

“Guard your heart with all diligence, for from it flow springs of life” ~Proverbs 4:23