What does Ageing Gracefully look and behave like...?

I think the first time it hit me that I was ‘growing up’, was when an All Black was younger than me.  Sure, I was only 21 or so, but nevertheless it was a milestone that made me realise I was advancing in years.

When I was around 30 I helped organise my little sister’s 16th birthday, my other sister (32 at the time) and I were stunned as our little sister’s peers would literally retreat from us when went to make conversation.  It suddenly struck us - we had become officially ‘too old’ for certain people to want to associate with us. Whilst we laughed it off;  part of me wanted to shake them, “I was YOUR age not long ago!”, then I knew in the same instant… that would only confirm that I was one of those ‘old people rambling on about how young they feel INSIDE’, aaargh, HELP!!

What IS ‘ageing gracefully’??  What does it look (and behave) like?  I’ve never done this before, so I don’t know.  What I do have are my observations of others ageing, and an increasing awareness of my own frailties when it comes to facing this. 

Some of the areas I wrestle with:

Fertility – yes I’ve had a  family, but I was still not quite 32 when we had our last one – so I spent many years thinking “I could still technically have more babies if I wanted” or rather pridefully “I’m still in good working order!”… to the growing realisation that that…will slip away.  Besides that, knowing that along with fertility is more collagen in our skin, shinier hair, the list goes on.

Speaking of which – feeling less and less attractive, along with not wanting to feel invisible is an ongoing battle.  Countless studies show that we humans assess others immediately on their gender, race, age, how they are presented, among other things.

There are times if I’m dressed casually I do feel ‘overlooked’.  Conversely there are times where I’m more well groomed etc,  where I’ve experienced what I sensed as preferential treatment.  Both are wrong but both take place.  It’s SO easy to start to ‘rely’ on the outer – after all it is only human to want to be significant and relevant.  So what about when you CAN’T rely on the outer so much?  (I would like to stress the obvious that presentation IS important, hygiene, and obviously the basics of a clean face/clothing are a baseline standard most can attain)

The fact is: WE WILL GET OLDER AND THAT IS ONLY IF WE ARE LUCKY ENOUGH TO. I just want to know how navigate this inevitability, and do it well! HOW…

…With cosmetics?? Make up, and MORE makeup?  There is value in makeup, sure, it can help highlight our best features.  Though I’m tempted to slam it as downright wrong to not be able to head out the door with a full face of makeup – perhaps I’m no different in that I feel I look rather ill without a bit of eyeliner on.  Not a full face of makeup, but a reliance on some level.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m all for the amazingly feminine feel of a full face of makeup. (I just don’t have time nor the skills)

How about with the way we dress?  I saw an extreme example of this in a café over the Christmas period – a couple in (I’m guessing) their late 70’s were seated near me and the woman’s outfit was eyecatching in a uniquely tragic way –  tight, short and revealing.  Often even in younger women with youthful figures an overly revealing outfit can sadly communicate a low self-worth, ie. “this is all I have to offer”.  To see it on a woman in her seventies was dispiriting – hadn’t this woman learnt what was appropriate by now?  It sounds so brutal but I didn’t enjoy seeing her sagging skin on display.  I was judging her and I couldn’t fully understand why.

Speaking of sagging… what about minor procedures?  At this stage I have not had botox and whilst I’m rather cynical of what feels like ‘cheating’…  Validly if someone feels they look cross or unapproachable with their permanent frown then it’s great there is something to make their outer image match their mood. If for complete vanity - the fact remains that it is obviously still the individuals choice, end of story.   

-Am I one to talk, can I go out completely naturally?  Technically no; I colour my hair every six weeks to cover the grey – does that mean I’m relying to heavily on the external?  If I take a sober look at myself, yes I rely on the outer and it makes me uncomfortable as age stalks me.

About my stretched stomach - even if my babies weren’t 8/9/10/10.5 pounds, my stomach skin would’ve followed my mother’s (who had smaller babies), and been disfigured, it’s been this way since I had my first baby at nineteen years.  There was no point having a ‘repair’ done as I’d be having more children.  By the time I’d had my fourth, I’d concluded …well I have a husband (I knew that a while earlier, haha) who do I need to impress with this stomach? etc.  All along I knew it wasn’t a financial investment I could ever actually stomach (no pun intended). I accepted that no repair would take place.  So I hid it away, I wore one pieces which I never suited, because I was so self conscious.

Then I attempted some “self love”, I tried ‘saying thank you’ to my stomach, blah blah, for carrying the babies.  Didn’t seem to help.  There was a tension inside me, (unfortunately not outside haha) - I needed something within to rise up and say “STUFF IT, I’m gonna live my life!!” - in the right spirit though.

We can have our lips filled, our creasing facial muscles paralysed, eyelids and forehead lifted etc.  But when a woman (or man, but I’m using women as my main example) has visibly had work done, when you see the tell tale signs of strange tightness in their face - I feel such a sadness for her. 

At some point she clearly lost her most beautiful asset – CONFIDENCE. 

(*Disclaimer: I’m not saying NEVER to any procedure because that could backfire, haha!)

Perspective: Life is so short and it’s all relative – even babies born now, not my generation, in a few hundred years will be considered my ‘contemporaries’ somewhat, since we lived at the same time.

When my dear 93 year old Granny says “What I’d give to be fifty” – I wonder; is 50 then the ideal age when you look back on life?  Maybe everyone will have a different opinion.  Say it is 50 – then what do I do when I’m 51, and beyond!  I need a concrete answer.

I think the key lies in the words Ageing Gracefully

GRACE.  What a beautiful word.  Smoothness, elegance, virtue

Can I break the romantic feels to briefly return to the lady in the café I saw –

As I mulled and analysed whilst sipping my latte with the odd glance in her direction – I became fully aware of such a subtle yet critical missing aspect – she had no joy or radiance.  We may not have all turned our heads at her outfit alone if she’d had a happy countenance or a genuine smile or laugh.  It wasn’t about the external at all, after all!! 

And moreover – I saw myself.  I saw how I could be in 30 years if I chose to feed the monster – to pursue the superficial and not the eternal.  To NOT age with GRACE. 

For me it’s summed up in another word: ‘Christlikeness’

“The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control”

What person who possesses these qualities listed, could we ever call unattractive.  It’s impossible.

A little challenge I’ve set myself…. imagining I have a completely blind guest staying in my home for a few days… would they discern that I am kind, loving and safe? And how would they reach that conclusion?

What is becoming crystal clear to me is something all of us have always known deep down – that allowing one’s inner self to be developed as the most attractive feature, is the definition of true beauty, and the most worthy goal, whatever age one may be...

Vicki xxx