Kids… they will bring out an anger problem you didn’t know you had…

Feb 27

Feb 27 Kids… they will bring out an anger problem you didn’t know you had…

I had a conversation with a woman the other day… a mum a lot like me…she sat on the floor, back against the couch, head in hands. She was struggling to find the words, but finding plenty of self-condemnation.

She had over-reacted with one of her kids, again.

Isn’t it amazing how, yes, other people’s kids can grate you from time to time, but there’s nothing like your own children to bring out the deepest, darkest, ugly from within - it’s like this super-power they have. They can seem to ‘make’ us go from zero-to-psycho-hose-beast, in 60 seconds. And it feels like it is them that does it. I mean, “before I had kids I had never experienced this rage, it must be them!”…

One of my favourite quotes by Jenny Hale from The Parenting Place:

“Parenting is an invitation to the greatest personal growth you’ll ever have”

… an invitation, suggesting I can resist it, or allow it to grow me. And personal growth, from wiping bottoms and snotty noses? Yep…

Think of people you know who haven’t had kids…yes they may have more money, nicer furniture, no marks on the walls or stains in the carpet (sounds awful doesn’t it, haha)…

Perhaps they have risen to the top of the corporate ladder, they may well have had other tests I will never know anything about. Relevant to my point is the contrast of the tests of parenting: have they had to function on no sleep, their body beaten from childbirth or depleted by breastfeeding. Added to that… the rollercoaster of highs and lows, the delight, the shocks, the beauty, the milestones, the pride, the harrowing anxiety, the love, oh the love… the desires for these little lives to turn out right, the heavy sense of responsibility and accountability, ‘why does he/she do that’, ‘is it my fault?’, ‘will he be ok?’… the perplexing behaviour, the downright affronting or aggressive behaviour. And it’s all ‘your problem’ Let’s agree, parenting is not for the faint hearted.

Another great quote:

“Real maturity shows up in relationships”

(thanks Pastor Rick Warren) It would make sense that in our closest relationships; partner / spouse / children, our true maturity will be tested, refined and grown. As Joyce Meyer says, “I got on great with everyone when I was home alone!” (isn’t she hilarious)

Back to this woman head in hands on the floor. She was me. And for the VERY first time, I was her friend. Here are some points we reflected on…

Beating yourself up is NOT helpful, move past this, girl, and do it quickly. That’s what’s best for you, and therefore best for your kids. “But how about I beat myself up about it for just half a day instead of three days?” Nope. “Half an hour?” Nope. Sure, stay here and calm down, write in your journal, pray to God… but get over it. Condemning yourself only leads to more poor choices and behaviour. Forgive yourself and keep going.
“I’m such a bad mother. Those kids out there and I both know it. The neighbours know it” NO, you are NOT a bad mother. STOP IT. The fact you feel convicted for making a mistake, means you care. Do you realise some parents wouldn’t care, wouldn’t feel a thing? You have so many good qualities and unique giftings in the way you mother - you know you do.
Go out there, sincerely say you’re sorry - “ohhh but I always do that, it’s getting a bit pathetic” - yes, but it’s still the right thing to do. But THIS time, hold your head up high and carry on.
“you mean fake it til I make it? “ In a way, yeah…
Get the help you need. Counselling. Cry out to God, write it down. Surrender. Then deal with it.
“If you are a mother, God has anointed you to be a mother, and what God anoints you for, you’re good at” (good old Joyce again)

During this ‘conversation’ I was reminded of an attachment model we studied through mainly music training a few years ago - it talked about how attachment is built as you meet your child’s needs, delight in them as they explore the world in every-widening arcs, and equally when you accept how they feel and be the ‘safe hands’ that receive them as they come back to you for comfort. (‘The Circle of Security’ if you want to look it up)

As we went through this material as a over several days, I struggled many times, and often had deeply remorseful moments of ‘I wish I’d known this’… Then something very encouraging was dropped in:

According to those experts, say a good attachment is formed when you do this successfully 30% of the time, you and I both know you do more than 30%!

The hearts cry of so many mothers: But no one is here to comfort me, I need comfort.

You’re not alone. Mums ALL over the world and ALL throughout history have shaken their heads, why-oh-why-did I do that… have stuffed their faces with cooking chocolate behind the pantry door (or nutella), sent themSELVES to their own room, had a conversation, and marched on. Speak it out, pray, God is always listening and is always available to be your safe hands.

One last quote, (cause I do love me quotes heehee)