Biological father Part II

Finally, Graeme’s nephew Geoffrey, managed to trace him to advise that a 25 year old man was claiming he was his biological son, and Graeme was given our phone number. And to our relief, 1. he didn’t deny knowing about Shaun, and 2. was totally open to meet - he confidently rang us up that night!

We found him chatty, he laughed a lot.  I expected his voice to sound like Shaun’s (it didn’t at all). There was no awkwardness as he very naturally filled the gaps in conversation. His recollection was that yes, his young girlfriend Ellen had become pregnant, yes it was to him, and yes he was “asked” by her father to stay away, (eek)… he had heard later on that Ellen was still around, no baby, someone suggested she must’ve had a stillbirth, and that was the story that went around.  (she had been sent to Auckland to give birth and adopt the baby out) 

Graeme and his brother and sister and one niece drove up to Auckland to spend a weekend, we had a fun dinner out.  It was all very relaxed.  Shaun had grown up with cousins much older than himself so whilst he couldn’t quite refer to Graeme as a parent (if you’re adopted you get it), he could definitely accept Graeme’s niece, similar age to us, as a ‘cousin’. 

We all had a bit of banter with Graeme about his long mullet hair-do, he was a good sport and insisted that the long hair would stay.  Though interestingly, the next few times we saw him, the hair got shorter and shorter!!

Shaun and I took Eden and Summer (aged 5 & 2), down to Marton where Graeme’s sister kindly hosted us for a weekend in her beautiful home.  We visited various sites around the town whilst there, but mostly spent time with these lovely folk. Shaun, the kids and I were able to meet Graeme’s father (his biological grandfather) who was bed-bound in his last months with emphysema. Our daughters have been blessed to meet 6 of their 8 great-grandparents. When the grandad passed away a few months later, Shaun was invited to the funeral, which he went to – and was even included as a pallbearer along with the cousin Geoffrey and other male relatives. Shaun’s name was even mentioned in the programme along with the other grandchildren, what an inclusive touch!!

All this happened before Shaun had even met Ellen, his birth mother in person! 

We socialised relatively regularly with these guys in the 2000’s; Graeme was a DJ as a hobby on the side – so he did the music for my stepmum’s 40th and later, Shaun’s 30th… We went to Shaun’s cousin’s wedding which was an amazing day.  We got to meet one of Graeme’s other sons, we’ve met him a few times since.  Shaun’s cousin and Aunty were so kind to our girls and often sent them lovely gifts.  Graeme has also been very generous to all our children (his grandchildren)

It was at Shaun’s 30th where both bio. parents were able to meet up, and I a personal dream of mine came true - to have a PHOTO of them, together. (after all, grandparents of my kids)

/~/

We lost touch with the extended family after a time, and that was fine.  Graeme has had his challenges and ups and down for sure, we had a misunderstanding a few years ago and and I’m not too sure, he is quite nomadic and his number changes, but perhaps we aren’t speaking..?  It’s no big deal.  He has our numbers and if he says hi, of course we’ll say hi.

What Shaun has taken from this (and this is mostly from my observation) – For him it’s simple, that is the male contributor, those are his relations and full picture, mystery solved, cool. (he definitely had a rapport and connection with his aunty, uncle and cousin)  There is no pain for him surrounding this pocket of people. His emotional investment went into finding birth mother and there wasn’t much left for this unexpected tangent. He knows, as mentioned in my adoption blog of Aug 2019, he now knows more than ever that his mum and dad are his mum and dad.

What I have learnt - is that I don’t realise how much I’ve developed my perspective around adoption, until I hear a less-informed view.  When someone refers to Graeme as Shaun’s ‘dad’, I almost flinch a little.  It doesn’t offend me as I know it’s no intended that way, but it’s so far from our truth that I almost feel a little confused as to what they’re talking about. Though it was touching that Graeme would sign cards as ‘Dad’. Likewise, Shaun’s birth mother signs as ‘Mum’ - I guess as parents of other children it’s normal to have space to feel like a parent for more children, whereas the mum/dad role is an exclusive title and is very difficult to divide on Shaun’s part.

The Question: Nature or Nurture…? 

I am declaring 5% nature, 95% nurture. In this case anyway.

With Shaun I am convinced he is mostly a product of his environment growing up. 

They say the first three years lasts forever and his dad and mum provided a loving, organised, firm and predictable space for his attachment to develop to the best possible level.  His father taught him every workshop skill he has which has blessed our own nuclear family untold.

It’s impossible to look at Shaun and see past his frame and physical features.  It’s imposing, for sure.  He is so like his birth mother and maternal grandfather.  There are our kids - only one of the four has brown eyes, though it should have been dominant.  They all had a blonde phase as kids, three of them very much so.  I put that down to that German great-grandmother. And many other traits.

But I truly believe his presence and ‘comfort in his own skin’ is actually mostly robust because of what’ isn’t seen by the eye.

Once a guest speaker visited our church and called Shaun up for a word of encouragement. The man didn’t know either of us, and these are some of the things he spoke over Shaun describing him:

A marked man - Stable – made like an anchor – established like a pillar – a trailblazer - he has cut a path – entrepreneurial – a transformative force – a player/coach – a playing coach – assembler of teams - re-orientates people – a prescriber – a describer - an instructor - a man of significance

This adopted baby, born to a 16 year old girl.  Each individual is made in the image of God and holds equal value, and massive potential no matter the circumstances around their conception.

Where did all those mentioned gifts come from spoken by the visiting speaker?  (God, originally, and) The 95% nurture-factor, which gave him the soil to find these strengths.  Thank you, Ellen, for giving him a chance. And thank you to Shaun’s mum and dad, for receiving him, in the true spirit of adoption. THANK YOU!! xx