Half-caste... who am I?? (Part 1/2)

[Disclaimer: To follow are examples of ‘typical’ Western/British behaviours contrasted with Pacific Island customs and culture, with a sprinkling of generalising…to make my point… thank you for your understanding :) ]

I can still hear mum’s sharp correction, “Why are you sitting on that? Off, off!” …

I was around five years old and in our sewing room. Mum was sitting on the floor laying out some fabric and for some reason a pillow was nearby - I sat on it to watch her. Before I knew it, I was startled by her jarring tone; It took me a moment to register what was happening - oh - it’s ME, something I’M doing! I found myself promptly scrambling off the pillow.  This was followed by a sense of shame, I had done something very, very, wrong, and on purpose it seemed?

As an adult I can see how, in practical terms, it is probably harmless to sit on a pillow, (but is it, really? The struggle continues, haha) - these beliefs were ingrained deeply in me and I can’t help but wince a little inwardly when I see someone sit on a pillow (or a bench top or table) I’ve become that person who feels “..don’t you instinctively KNOW, that THAT is rude”. But from the above example - we are not born with these beliefs, we learn them - (whilst all around the world dear little children are learning a completely different lists of rules)

We are all guilty of assuming people we encounter are on the same page as ourselves when it comes to socially acceptable behaviour - ie. sharing our worldview/outlook which is shaped hugely by our parent’s cultural origins. - I mean - values we hold and feel so strongly about are naturally going to seem like they are obvious to everyone else, right?

Another story as an illustration: Back when I was four years old, mum and I returned to the Solomon Islands from NZ, for a short holiday. An elderly couple we stayed with enjoyed having me there to fetch water for them from the well and other errands - and asked my mum, quite plainly, if they could keep me. A solemn, serious, and relatively normal request in the islands.

Mum’s response you may find curious - “Oh, yes, yes, probably, I’ll just check with her dad” (Meanwhile I was nearby, feeling flattered and alarmed at once)  She phoned Dad, who, utterly incredulous, declared “NO!”, to what he deemed a wholly offensive proposition.  Mum was let off the hook and only because she was able to say “I’m very sorry to say her imatang (white) father won’t allow it”

I wasn’t upset that Mum struggled to say no to this old couple - in fact I shared her discomfort in having to relay the awkward news. After all, by this age I had lived in The Solomon Islands for 95% of my life, amongst the Kiribati community, and Mum’s worldview was mine.

I RECKON: that we are generally shaped mostly by our mother’s worldview. I think this because: assuming we spent the bulk of our early childhood with our mothers, observing her responses and reactions to every situation, we form our first attitudes based on that. I personally think there’s an especially strong-transmission of this from mother-to-daughter.

So whilst English became my preferred language, and my mum was only in my life for eight years, and, yes, my father has also strongly influenced me, besides which - I have lived mostly in - and learnt to blend into - a western society; mum was around in the formative years that counted and profoundly left her mark.

My beautiful mother was born and raised on the outer islands of Beru and Kuria, in the tiny nation of Kiribati. This country is so alien to westerners - a Kiwi friend we once took to Kiribati kept saying “I feel like I’m in a documentary”. As a child mum lived with no power or running water. She only wore grass skirts, no underwear. You can appreciate why stepping over someone or sitting on a food preparation surface is completely taboo. Then there are feet - feet/shoes have been in the outside/dirty world, so therefore where they are placed one is always conscious of. So feet and backsides must never go near places where food or peoples’ heads go - pillows, tables etc. My Dad is a full Englishman  (part Scottish).  The kind that can’t sit on the floor and cross their legs (why does that seem impossible for almost all white men? Haha! I blame a lifetime of the availability of chairs)  

What inspired Dad to travel from the UK to a tiny nation in the Pacific to volunteer his accounting services, I can only put down to God’s plan.

And those two married; vastly different backgrounds. Mum who felt no option but to say “Yes, of course, no problem!”.  To any request. And dad who did not share this obligation. And this was just one minor difference.  You can see how cultural differences can be a source of conflict, especially in marriage!

Years ago a colleague asked me if the Kiribati folk might have a “shame-based” motivation about their practises; it struck me as probably quite an accurate way to describe a lot of Kiribati/Pacific Island people-interactions. These are some of my observations…

Whilst peoples the world over have historically had large families and extended families - Pacific Islanders often still do.  And they often live together.  This instills a strong sense of “ours”, and sharing becomes a very natural expectation.  Employment is scarce and into adulthood there is a spotlight on anyone who has the means to provide - the expectation is that they do just that, provide. If they don’t - they’ve changed, ‘sold out’ on their own, and it’s a shameful thing indeed. In many ways I sense I am only excused from this shame as my father and my husband are ‘imatang’. I’ve learnt since that what we’re contrasting here are ‘collectivist’ (developing and non-western), and ‘individualistic’ (generally Western) cultures - do you know which you are more affiliated with?

This was an area where my parents had discord - I vividly recall Mum being utterly compelled to cover her relatives bills - there is a strong (collectivist) obligation and duty where if you have the means (ie. money) - you must help a fellow relative in need.  As for Dad - coming from a traditional English-individualistic background, well you can only imagine his confusion over this. These were extended family members he sometimes didn’t really know, as well as ‘repeat offenders’ - he’s a generous man but it was the principle.  Usually, however, Dad capitulated to keep the peace, besides which he is a pretty relaxed and generous man.  It was a source of tension though, for sure.

Now here I am, 42 years old, and these and other experiences still influence my attitudes and behaviour. Some of the things I do that my husband has witnessed which are inherited from my Mum/Kiribati side, as well as his western-ways; and reconciling that… (Part II)