Celebrating Pacific & Western differences (Part 2/2)

Aug 23

Aug 23 Celebrating Pacific & Western differences (Part 2/2)

Here I am, 42 years old, and childhood experiences still affect my attitudes and behaviour. Here are just some of the things I do that my husband has witnessed which are inherited from my Mum/Kiribati side (Part 2/2)

I can nap daily. I can nap anywhere. (I’m getting fussier but) I used to always be able to sleep at night with a light on/on the floor at a friend’s/with a party going on in the next room. It’s familiar to me when I’ve spent long holidays in non-sound-rated stick huts and in a naturally social lifestyle – no one would dream of asking their neighbours to be quiet, most people enjoy the atmosphere - and remember that ‘collective’ culture concept? - in this situation it’s “my neighbours are celebrating and we’re part of eachother”.

I often can’t find my keys. I say ‘yes’ to things without talking to my husband first - because to say ‘wait, I’ll check’, feels rude and ‘gets in the way’. I often over-invite without consulting him. I’ve put it down to ‘the more the merrier’, but I believe it might have a fear-based motivation. It feels wrong deep-down to not try to cater for everyone.

With the keys – my mum was the same. I’m convinced it was because she never had a single key in her world until her mid-20’s, so it wasn’t a practiced process of placing them.. (She was also predisposed personality type-wise, being active and a little preoccupied)

I also struggle to complain at restaurants. The ‘Pasifika way’ is generally to keep a low-profile and not complain, especially about food as it is such a blessing, and in a restaurant you feel like a guest! Guests must never be a nuisance! These attitudes I’m guessing are mechanisms to function in a crowded living situation. Pacific Islanders will generally strive to cooperate at all costs - this can look like: saying ‘yes’, even a positively enthusiastic “Yes!”, when deep down we probably feel we can’t fulfill that ‘yes’…which often eventuates to pulling out of a commitment last-minute, as you’ve dreaded saying “no”, and put off dealing with it to the very end, in the hope that circumstances will miraculously change and you can save face.

I’m not saying they never feel frustrated or irritated, and as I observed maaaanny times as a child – when alcohol gets involved, inhibitions faint and ‘venting’ can occur, and rather excessively sometimes, eek…

A very delicate area: lying. I know humans all over the planet since the dawn of time have been deceptive, but there is a particular area where Pacific Islanders can be vulnerable to needing to cover up ((reminder alert, generalising here!!)). Apart from the common ‘human bad lying’,.. islanders, finding it so hard to say NO, will have to come up with some reason to decline or let someone down without it being a “No”… because that feels like you’re rejecting that other person, or not thinking collectively about them. A whole lot of fear and anxiety can build around this, sometimes ‘white-lying’ or stretching the truth or a certain angle, to wiggle out of the situation is just more comfortable.

Now - interesting things my husband or other caucasians may do that I can only seem to label as “imatang”/“Pakeha” (European):

When I was young and a friend slept over, they would bring a sleeping bag and pyjamas, it seemed so ‘proper’, so ‘formal’… like just wear one of my old t-shirts, and borrow our blankets, we’ll have some, I’ll search the house, even at 1am! It wasn’t offensive, just different, kind of cute.

With those friends I also noticed things functioned differently in their homes – they appeared to be more formal and stiff with their own nuclear family. As if strangers, I thought, ‘too polite’! Another formal thing – events seemed to be planned down to the last degree. Questions like “what time is the party starting?” were a strange phenomenon to me as I entered teenagehood– I was a ‘dunno, when it gets dark’ person.

Even now, in certain contexts, a perfectly normal practice like setting a time can feel like you’re being pinned down, with inflexibility. I understand diaries and calendars are necessary in our lives, however it can feel a little… even… demanding…? (In the islands time is always general “come over when it suits you, in the ‘baka n taai’” -when the sun is falling, so anytime from midday…

Once an adult I started to notice things like… they will want to know ‘where they will be sleeping’, or they require a bed (as opposed to being happy to, or offering to sleep on the floor). It can feel like it’s coming across as entitled – which is a shameful attitude in the islands. Also to do with hosting; they will have what seems like a very small limit on ‘maximum capacity’, the opposite of Pacific Islanders ‘all are welcome’ attitude.

This may just be my husband, but saying “no” is easy for him - he will quite bluntly turn away a salesperson at our front door. It makes perfect sense doesn’t it - we know we don’t want what they are selling, why waste their time? Oh, because it’s so hard to say No. One time I nearly bought a $4,000 vacuum cleaner because I had been in an hospitable “yes” tone throughout the whole 90 minute demonstration and it was too late now to change it to a No-face. Thankfully my husband was there and had no problem delivering a very emphatic NO. (cringe/relief, for me, all at once)

I asked my nearly-14 year old son at the time of writing this, “what do you think westerners do that islanders would consider strange?’ – his reply was “Just being rude”. (but how? I asked) – “things like asking in a loud voice at the table for you to pass the mayonnaise or something”. Looks like my mum’s and his mum’s worldview has been transmitted again and lives on…. Uh oh! Haha :-D

In conclusion - We Come Together

My hubby, bless him, has only been only too happy to submit to what is culturally polite, eg. get down, get low and excuse yourself when walking through a group of people sitting. (He just needs to learn to sit on the floor without appearing to be in such agony, haha!)

I know culturally there are sooo many areas that I need to become more aware of which come across as inconsiderate.

We have somewhat moulded and morphed toward the other’s views - he will now often cringe at stereotypical western things I thought only I found odd, and I will also share his frustration at Pasifika social norms from time to time. On a light note – one of his favourite quips is: “our marriage works well because I have the fish fillets and she loves the fish heads”… haha.. (and yummmmm!)

Back to the two wonderful words that link our hands worldwide – Unity, and Grace. We can have UNITY in the fundamentals…

Every life is valuable, I often say; a sack of abandoned puppies doesn’t come anywhere close to finding a sack with a human baby inside – (whatever race that baby is). We know that mankind is the most sacred creature on earth. And then things like frowning or shouting always come across as aggressive and a smile is always kind, polite and disarming.

We can have liberty and Grace in those perplexing ‘grey’ areas… We can choose to believe that good intentions are beneath.

And, we can remember that Evil, Deception, Cowardice and Selfishness exist in every culture, because it exists in the human DNA – so also do Good, Truthfulness, Honour and Generosity.

At the end of the day, as a Christian, who I am in Christ is my true identity and 'culture’, first and foremost. In one instance God may lead me to go one way, other times another; it’s case by case and moment by moment. I (aim to!) make my decisions based on what His will is, not on fear or compulsion or pressure. And to wave goodbye to shame… but stay polite. It’s a delicate balance and a day by day journey of growth. And I know God calls us to extend grace for all people/peoples, as we behold all their idiosyncrasies.

In this multi-cultural village we live in called Earth – we have endless opportunities to be offended. BUT… also endless opportunity to be enriched by different peoples and worldviews. Our children also can be made aware of the variety that exists, that ‘different’ does not automatically equal ‘wrong’, or ‘bad’, and that we can co-exist peacefully with tolerance and grace toward the others we share this world with.