Junior Rugby... the GOOD, the bad...and just a tiny bit of ugly

Years and years of Junior sport… an endurance test for children and parent/s alike!!  What do we discover about ourselves?... And what’s a worthy “why” under it all…?

Recently my third child completed his junior sport stint - specifically rugby. From this point, high school rugby is the option for the next five years, followed by a return to club rugby if he so desires.

Having taken our two girls through junior netball, I believed I’d had my baptism of fire when it came to any ill feelings and/or being affected adversely by my child’s sport. But looking back on number 3’s journey - I was affected, and often. But I discovered something interesting this time! – with a little more awareness  I can be a positive influence when it comes to politics, to either perpetuate - or neutralise, discord. On top of that - I (we) can also play a part in strengthening the value and community of junior sport.

My weaknesses exposed:

I came to realise: Junior sport often triggered anxiety in me, how about you??… Anxiety - feeling alarmed by a real or potential threat. The atmosphere and sense of pressure was the trigger for me. At the root of it was I did NOT want my child to feel any unbearable feelings that I did as a child; and selfishly: mostly because I would have to experience those feelings over again! All that despite the fact that logically I am 100% confident none of my kids have had the stress and anxiety I did as a child!

Seeing some of my other foibles and shortcomings…Whilst I never went feral on the sideline (I can hide it better than some) – pride and ego were there.  Usually, it was much easier to see in other parents!  And surprise: you’d think it’d be mostly amongst the men, but us women are DEFINITELY not immuned!  Unfortunately: kids can’t run their own competition - adults must be involved… and we bring… stuff.

I felt judged by other parents… When we were kids, it seemed like parents hardly ever watched our games! (t/b fair, my dad never missed mine, but he and the coach were always the only two there!?) But these days, with few exception; every child has at least one parent watching. This increases the opportunity to compare - compare our children and compare ourselves.

Now and then it slipped my mind that: it’s just a game… Oh my gosh, yes, that’s right!?!! When did it become so terribly important…Who did this? I wonder - was it when sport, specifically rugby in NZ, became professional? Suddenly it became a viable career path, it took on this puffed up layer of importance which I’m not sure had beneficial overflow at a junior level.

Or did it become so crucial because, as mentioned - kids can’t administrate their own competition, and adults come along with our emotions, (‘cause our kids are involved, and, ah, we happen to feel raaather emotional about them). Add to that our insecurities and agendas, etc. Do we really want to shape these young minds into believing that this is absolutely critical? All this does is feed anxiety.

What we could do with remembering:

It helps to remind ourselves that generally all ‘those other’ parents’ top motive is their love for their kids… 99% of parents are just about their business, trying to survive their own life and personal struggles, they don’t have time to lose sleep over my child or me. - And say, worst case scenario; someone is judging or stirring - our only responsibility is to be honest about whether any of it is valid, and if it isn’t, say “meh”… and remember that it says more about that person than it does about you or your child. It’ll all come out in the end, people prove their true character eventually, (us included!)

Let’s not place our own filters over our kids eyes about how much importance it all deserves.

Appreciate all the volunteering that takes place…Yes, some may be ‘living vicariously’ through their child (we can all think of several people when we read those words, can’t we, haha!), but at the end of the day, all those volunteers, in the club, the referees, those coaches - they are all prepared to give up hours and hours of their time each week, which means the team has every role filled to be able to play! Let’s show some gratitude! Speaking of volunteers…

Let’s all decide that the ref is usually doing their best… It’s called respect.  It takes a lot of gumption to put your hand up to referee, let alone hold that whistle, trying to manage so much simultaneously. If you vocally judge referees during a game, do us all a favour and trying refereeing yourself, please! That there’s a fair bit of pressure is an understatement, on top of that a decent fitness level is required. The ref’ can’t see the game from the broad vantage-point view we hold on the sideline. “That infringement” was probably honestly missed/not seen - rather than deliberate (let alone cheating). Let’s give him or her the benefit of the doubt!

Don’t repeat gossip… I’m talking to me too!  Go a step further by leaving out the bad and instead: speak well about those others, in your kids’ hearing.  Talking to me still!

 So much GOOD!:

Early starts when you could be sleeping-in, on crisp winter mornings; trainings 1-2 times a week on frigid evenings. Often very wet. Muddy. Muddy gear. Mud in the car. Standing side-line with frozen toes, despite multiple thermal layers. Umbrellas turning inside out (why is this sooo embarrassing)… But wait, I thought this was The Good??.. Well, this IS the first ‘good’:

The Gold-in-the-Cold… In my humble opinion - if the only value in winter sport was getting up on freezing mornings, getting wet and occasionally feeling utterly miserable, training once or twice a week, for three months straight - then that would be enough. Why and how?… I am personally rather ‘afraid’ of getting cold, particularly cold AND wet; I avoid it. But I know when I’ve spent a week in the South Island, I acclimatise! For our kids to experience it over and over gives them a healthy resilience when it comes to facing it, AND other challenges too. I would go as far as to say that ‘hardening up’ as a result of feeling cold regularly boosts their self belief!

Training… Another word for training is ‘discipline’… and as they say in the Toolbox Parenting Course:

“the goal of all discipline is self-discipline”

- as parents we are always so thrilled when we see our children motivated from within, rather than externally (ie. us pushing them). I reckon this is partly passively achieved by the pressure of knowing the rest of the team will be there - it’s natural and healthy starting point to steer our children towards that internal motivation.

Organisation & Time Management…Pretty self-explanatory. I’m still working on this!! Recently I heard that being late sends several messages - one being “I believe my time is more important than yours” - eek!

Discovering the essence of “Team”…Team sport/team work, it draws out of ourselves a sense of community. It’s right and good to have a mentality of ‘you need me and I need you’. No one should be a ‘lone ranger’ in life, it is demonstrated perfectly in a sports team. It’s not a one-man-show. If one can take all the credit, then one can also take all the blame. Both are very fragile positions to be in, and neither are good for mental health.

A dose of good-ole-fashioned Pressure…For sensitive children - I truly believe junior sport gives them that important feeling of pressure, and then the having-to-do-it-anyway-feeling. And even better, finding: “I survived that, again”. And It’s not too frightening when it’s within a shared team-environment.

And perhaps the most important personal development point: Losing teaches you something too…My husband coached for five years, one year there were there were a bunch of newbies, new combos, it took so long to gel, and it ended up being a season of back-to-back losses (actually, more accurately: butt-whoopings). I’ll never forget his words to the boys after one pummeling; “we took more away from that game than they did”. He always says to our sons “you want to be challenged, you can’t just face the games you’re guaranteed to win, rugby is about fronting up and testing yourself” I respect that!

I think the magic word I’m looking for is: RESILIENCE

The wash up:

It’s just a game.  And: it’s for the kids… we parents are there to facilitate the kids playing a game, not to control, or let ourselves and our insecurities get in the way. Not easy to distinguish, let alone avoid. Let this encourage us all to keep a balanced view of what can and should be a very enjoyable time in our parenting journey.

A wee quote summarising the special significance and value of junior rugby:

Rugby is “life-lessons in 80 minutes” - number one: attitude. Plus highs, lows, making mistakes (and not dwelling on them), dealing with pain, triumph, trauma. It’s resistance, testing, pushing your threshold levels, and of course dedication, commitment and discipline. Getting knocked down, but: getting up. Again and again. Rebound resilience. And again, most importantly: attitude. You can win with the right attitude, you can lose with the right attitude. Attitude determines how much you’ll get out of either”

(~Shaun Ryan, my hubby)